His mistress didn’t know he loved me

My husband and I had a conversation the other day and I asked if his mistress knew he loved me. He thought about it and said, “No”. It cut like a knife to hear him say that. Why does it matter to me?

For four years, while he was seeing the other woman, he never gave any indication to her that he loved me? Even when he finally was winding things down with her, he had told her he felt incredibly guilty and that he couldn’t do this anymore. But he didn’t say, “I love my wife”. To me, that is what a real man feeling real remorse would say, right?

Or maybe he just didn’t want to piss her off.

He says he never stopped loving me, but this is hard for me to comprehend. While he was sleeping with another woman, he was loving me? Not enough apparently. Maybe he loved me in a roommate kind of way, or a “I’ve been with you so long” kind of way. But it wasn’t true, dedicated love. When did he stop loving me in such a way? We always got along perfectly.

But back to my original topic. She didn’t know he loved me…at all. I envision them talking about me (not in a good way), even though he has assured me that whenever she would bring me up, he would change the subject. My thinking is if he was in such a “bad” place, that he might have said anything about me, to justify his horrible actions. This is so unlike my husband, that it makes my heart ache.

I assume she thought that I was some horrible monster of a wife. She must have thought that he was neglected and sex-starved. What I’m sure she didn’t know is that for several years I had been begging him to be more affectionate. I told him I wanted to be intimate more often. He just didn’t seem interested, and now I know why. I tried and tried, but he chose to be with someone else. I didn’t let myself go, and was actually quite proud that I still look good. I thought he was too, yet his mistress was very unattractive. I just don’t understand the attraction or need. I guess she stroked his ego enough that she finally looked good to him.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to her, or write her a letter, telling her how our marriage REALLY was and that I am the one he loved…not her. Whatever impression she has of our marriage is horribly wrong. Not that she would care, but for some reason I do. I desperately want his mistress to know he loved me. Even better would be for him to tell her personally, while I listened in.

Do you have the same feelings?