Trust

During most of our relationship, from dating up until a few years ago, my husband always invited me along on his business trips. I went with him, and it was a blast. Of course, those times were also places I was interested in seeing. Then the business trips slowed down a bit, and when he had them, they were in a city that I didn’t care to visit. I would probably have been bored during the daytime while he was in his conference.

If I had only known. I would have attended every, single business trip, regardless of where they were. During his affair the trips were in the same city. He went on about 6 business trips, each about 4 nights long. I remember missing him SO much while he was gone, but he had usually told me that there would be so much homework and that he wouldn’t have a lot of time to spend with me.

What kills me the most I think (well other than the obvious – him having sex with another woman) is that he would call me in the early evenings, and I would always ask if he was settled in for the night. It made me feel good knowing that he wasn’t going back out. He would usually say he had to study for the class the following day. Or he would say that he picked up a couple of beers to drink in his room, and maybe read a book or something. Lies. All lies. When he called me, he knew damn well that he was going to be meeting up with her. How could he do this? At the end of our conversations he always told me he loved me, but then he went out immediately afterward and either met her at the bar (before going to her hotel), or he went straight to her hotel.

Why didn’t I cross his mind? Why wasn’t the thought of me enough, between the time we hung up and the time he met her. He had plenty of time to feel guilty…but he didn’t. Not at all. At least for the first couple years of his affair.

The moral of my story is…ladies and gentlemen – always go on your spouse’s business trips. No matter what. Granted, he would have still carried on his affair one way or another, but I would have deterred him from having sex with her at least a few times. It makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH when I think of how little I mattered back then. This certainly wasn’t the man I knew.

I will never forgive myself for letting that happen. Ever.

Trusting after an affair is no easy task…

My husband was always my rock. We were solid, and I knew that he would protect me no matter what. His love and dedication were FIERCE, and he held my heart close to his. Nobody would ever hurt me, as long as we both were alive.

He was my safety net, always there to catch me if I fell. You know the “Trust” game where someone stands behind you and you fall backwards, knowing that they will catch you? I really never trusted too many people with this game, but you could bet your ass I trusted my husband to keep me from falling to the ground. I guess you could say he completely had my back.

Since the affair, this game makes sense to me in a whole different way. Not the way I want it to make sense, mind you.

So there I am standing, and he is behind me. He says, “Don’t worry, Sweetheart, I won’t let you fall”. I believe him, as I always have. I begin my descent.

Unbeknownst to me, he starts talking to an old girlfriend, just as “friends”. He is still keeping an eye on me, but his attention isn’t on me solely. They start flirting, and he really isn’t paying much attention to me. I fall a little further, and I hear him say, “trust me, you’ll be okay”. Phew!

What I didn’t know was that they were sexting and he barely has an eye on me. I ask him to reassure me – that he is still there behind me. I hear him mumble something. At least I know he is still there, but I am VERY scared. I am falling fast.

They finally move into the sexual part of the affair, and his attention is not on me…at all. It is eerily quiet, but I tell myself that he would never let me get hurt, so I continue to trust him, and that he will catch me soon.

The silence is deafening when I say, “Honey, can I still trust you to catch me?”. I suddenly get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. He is not there. His interest in her was overpowering his commitment to catch me, and he has stepped aside.

His eyes and mind are on something else completely. He forgot about me, and his promise to keep me from harm. Someone else needed his attention, and me falling backwards suddenly didn’t matter anymore.

The pain. Oh the terrible pain. My head hit the pavement, and my mind is racing. What happened? How could he have just left me there to fall? He simply walked away and let me suffer? The heartbreak is unbearable, and disbelief fills my mind. How can I trust that he will never do this to me again?

This is what it feels like when your partner has been unfaithful. They promise you time and time again, that nothing is going on, even when you ask for reassurance. When your body goes “splat” on the ground, because you trusted him/her, it is the most horrendous pain ever. It is a pain that sears through your entire body, and of course your heart, because you trusted so completely.

And they wonder why betrayed spouses have a hard time trusting again. Because they let us fall and it hurt like hell!

I don’t want that kind of pain ever again.

Will going on business trips with husband prevent him from having an affair?

Trust after affair-will you catch me if I fall?