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The Importance of Answering Questions After an Affair


Lies, lies, lies yeah. Remember that song from the 80’s? That song often goes through my head often.

My head feels like a jar full of sand, with each grain representing a question.  If you are the WS, you will be answering many questions after your affair. There are millions of questions that need answering after an affair, but unfortunately, us Betrayed Spouses will only get answers to half of them (truthful answers at least).

Ever since D-day, this has been my life. I had questions immediately, and I have questions almost 3 months later. There are questions I have already asked my WS, that I believe. But then there are questions I have asked him that I kind of believe. Then there are those that I’ve asked that I just cannot believe.

But that’s not all! There are soooo many questions I haven’t even asked yet! I am trying to remind myself that not every question that pops into my head needs to be answered. Some are very minor details that really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. But other questions I need to know.

“I don’t remember” is not a sufficient answer

Yes you do remember!  I can see forgetting small details, but I want answers on the big ones. My WS has said many times, “You’ve already asked that”. While this may be true, I don’t think he understands that after being gaslighted for so long, that I feel the need to ask questions in different ways, and be very, very specific, if you will. Well, we can throw in all the lies that have been told too, just for good measure. Lying by omission is just as bad and a regular lie.

The biggest question that needs answering of course is, “WHY?”. I don’t think either of us will never really know the answer to that. But I do feel that it is important to find out, to ensure that this never, ever happens again. It would kill me (probably literally) if I had to feel this pain again.

Questions to ask your spouse after infidelity

The first questions that I had after I found out that my husband cheated on me were:

How often?
Did you think about me?
Did you wear your wedding ring during sex?
Weren’t you afraid of losing me?
Wasn’t the fear of getting caught enough to make you stop the affair?
Do you/did you love her?
What did you talk about?
Did you talk about me or badmouth me?
What does she know about us? Our kids?
What does/did she have that I don’t?
Is she married? Does her husband know?
How can you even face me, or how could you during all this time?
When we had sex during that time, were you thinking of her?
Did you two do anything in bed that we have never done?
Was it hot?
Did you spend the night with her?
Did you cuddle like we do?
Did you two have a “song” that was special?
Did you go out for meals together?
Did you text back and forth on the weekends, while I was in the same room? Did she call on weekends?

Other questions that I have about my husband’s infidelity still linger, or I am just not satisfied with the answers I’ve received:

How could you not have done that without even thinking of me, especially during sex?
You called me from the hotel room (during your business trip) in the evening, saying you were just staying in. Then you went and met her. Everything seemed normal to me during our call. How could you do that??
Who initiated sex the first time?
Did it really end when you said it did?
Are you only telling me what you think I can handle?
Did you consider her your “girlfriend”?
How did you really feel about her?
How do you feel about her now?
Did you buy her sexy lingerie?
Did you take a shower together?
Have you cheated any other times?
How was her name displayed in your contacts so I wouldn’t find out?
Why won’t you let me discuss this with a friend or family member, so I have the support I need?

This list of questions could go on and on forever. Some of them I ask (or want to ask), to determine his feelings for her. Some I need to know because it lets me know exactly how intimate they were, and some I just feel I need to know.

I will never know all of the details of my spouse’s affair

I desperately want to piece all of this together, but I am beginning to realize that I will never know the whole story. I just won’t. I have to make peace with this, and it hurts like a son-of-a-bitch.

What are your burning questions for your WS? Like me, do you have that feeling that he/she is sugar-coating some important details? How has your Wayward spouse been helpful in answering questions after their affair?

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