What does gaslighting feel like? And a gaslighting song

April 23, 2015May 24, 2020 ohbetrayed1

Gaslighting

I had never heard the term “gaslighting” before learning of my husband’s affair. In the days following D-day, I scoured the internet to find…I don’t know what exactly. Any info, any similar stories, how people coped with infidelity, etc. One word that kept showing up in just about everything I read was “gaslighting”.

What is gaslighting? From Wikipedia:

Gaslighting or gas-lighting is a form of mental abuse in which information is twisted or spun, selectively omitted to favor the abuser, or false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity.

When I first read the definition, I felt a sense of relief. For so long, I had been feeling a certain way (each time I confronted my husband and he denied it), but I couldn’t put those feelings into words. I knew my intuition was right, yet he would get indignant and of course, defensive.

About a year before D-day, I started thinking about things my husband was doing that seemed suspicious. He had bought new underwear. Now, my husband has worn boxer shorts since we met and loved them. All of a sudden he was buying form-fitting boxer briefs. Hmmm. Then I noticed he was taking extra cash out when he deposited his paycheck. I also started paying attention to his phone – and how he always turned it over when not in use, and how he just seemed so secretive with it. He had also bought some cologne/body spray that he said he just uses at work.

One day I just had a really bad feeling in the bottom of my stomach. I called him at work and said, “Who is she?”. He said he had no idea what I was talking about. I said, “I know…you need to tell me who she is”. He calmly denied that he was seeing anyone. I questioned him about the underwear, money, after shave, etc. and he came up with fairly reasonable explanations. But I still knew. He started sounding a bit nervous, but stuck to his story. He asked me why I accuse him of being unfaithful every couple of years. He said it’s really frustrating when he is not doing anything wrong. By the time we hung up, I felt a bit ridiculous. He had always been such a sweet and attentive husband (well minus about a 5-month span where he barely gave me the time of day). Why shouldn’t I believe him? I had been the victim of gaslighting for the very first time.

The second time was about 2 months before D-day. I was getting desperate. I just had to know because it was eating me alive. I needed to get his phone in my hands, so one day when we were out front, I asked him to use his phone to text our daughter (we were out of town), as mine was almost dead {it wasn’t really dead}. He was not at all thrilled about me using his phone, but did hand it to me after punching in his passcode. I texted her, and held onto the phone, waiting for her to respond. He damn near stood over me, and he was very uncomfortable. I sent another text to her and she still did not respond. He snatched the phone out of my hand and said, “this is ridiculous – I’ll just call her”. She did answer and I took the phone and wandered off with it. He was watching my every move. As soon as I could get out of his sight, I told her to hold on, and I pressed the home button twice to see what he had running on his phone. I checked his texts. Nothing. I couldn’t check very long as he was anxious to get his phone back.

Later that evening, we were outside sitting together and I started asking questions about his phone. He got REALLY angry and yelled, “just tell me what you are really getting at!!”. I asked him if he was seeing someone. He denied, denied, denied and was absolutely livid. He had never, ever yelled at me like that in our 20+ years together. We got in a HUGE fight. Finally he said a few things to try to placate me, and I had no choice but to believe him. He did make me feel absolutely crazy though, like I had serious issues with trust. We went on with our night, but I knew. I just knew, without a doubt, that my husband was cheating on me.

Two months later, I finally had the proof that I needed, and I confronted my cheating husband. If I learned anything, it is to not question too much until you have PROOF. Very rarely will someone confess when they think you are just grasping straws. I cannot stress this enough – wait to confront until you have enough information that they cannot weasel out of it anymore.

The gaslighting really took a toll on me. It left me doubting my intuitions, and ignoring my gut feelings. I wish I had heard this song about gaslighting (I’m Not the Only One – Sam Smith) when it was actually happening to me. Sam Smith

This part especially gets me:

You say I’m crazy
‘Cause you don’t think I know what you’ve done
But when you call me baby
I know I’m not the only one

When someone gaslights you, it is such a slap in the face. It is unfathomable that someone who you truly love and trust, could do this. It is evil, it is cruel.

Were you the victim of gaslighting too?

Will going on business trips with husband prevent him from having an affair?

February 27, 2015September 27, 2015 ohbetrayed1

During most of our relationship, from dating up until a few years ago, my husband always invited me along on his business trips. I went with him, and it was a blast. Of course, those times were also places I was interested in seeing. Then the business trips slowed down a bit, and when he had them, they were in a city that I didn’t care to visit. I would probably have been bored during the daytime while he was in his conference.

If I had only known. I would have attended every, single business trip, regardless of where they were. During his affair the trips were in the same city. He went on about 6 business trips, each about 4 nights long. I remember missing him SO much while he was gone, but he had usually told me that there would be so much homework and that he wouldn’t have a lot of time to spend with me.

What kills me the most I think (well other than the obvious – him having sex with another woman) is that he would call me in the early evenings, and I would always ask if he was settled in for the night. It made me feel good knowing that he wasn’t going back out. He would usually say he had to study for the class the following day. Or he would say that he picked up a couple of beers to drink in his room, and maybe read a book or something. Lies. All lies. When he called me, he knew damn well that he was going to be meeting up with her. How could he do this? At the end of our conversations he always told me he loved me, but then he went out immediately afterward and either met her at the bar (before going to her hotel), or he went straight to her hotel.

Why didn’t I cross his mind? Why wasn’t the thought of me enough, between the time we hung up and the time he met her. He had plenty of time to feel guilty…but he didn’t. Not at all. At least for the first couple years of his affair.

The moral of my story is…ladies and gentlemen – always go on your spouse’s business trips. No matter what. Granted, he would have still carried on his affair one way or another, but I would have deterred him from having sex with her at least a few times. It makes me SICK TO MY STOMACH when I think of how little I mattered back then. This certainly wasn’t the man I knew.

I will never forgive myself for letting that happen. Ever.

His mistress didn’t know he loved me

January 7, 2015February 7, 2020 ohbetrayed1

My husband and I had a conversation the other day and I asked if his mistress knew he loved me. He thought about it and said, “No”. It cut like a knife to hear him say that. Why does it matter to me?

For four years, while he was seeing the other woman, he never gave any indication to her that he loved me? Even when he finally was winding things down with her, he had told her he felt incredibly guilty and that he couldn’t do this anymore. But he didn’t say, “I love my wife”. To me, that is what a real man feeling real remorse would say, right?

Or maybe he just didn’t want to piss her off.

He says he never stopped loving me, but this is hard for me to comprehend. While he was sleeping with another woman, he was loving me? Not enough apparently. Maybe he loved me in a roommate kind of way, or a “I’ve been with you so long” kind of way. But it wasn’t true, dedicated love. When did he stop loving me in such a way? We always got along perfectly.

But back to my original topic. She didn’t know he loved me…at all. I envision them talking about me (not in a good way), even though he has assured me that whenever she would bring me up, he would change the subject. My thinking is if he was in such a “bad” place, that he might have said anything about me, to justify his horrible actions. This is so unlike my husband, that it makes my heart ache.

I assume she thought that I was some horrible monster of a wife. She must have thought that he was neglected and sex-starved. What I’m sure she didn’t know is that for several years I had been begging him to be more affectionate. I told him I wanted to be intimate more often. He just didn’t seem interested, and now I know why. I tried and tried, but he chose to be with someone else. I didn’t let myself go, and was actually quite proud that I still look good. I thought he was too, yet his mistress was very unattractive. I just don’t understand the attraction or need. I guess she stroked his ego enough that she finally looked good to him.

Sometimes I wish I could talk to her, or write her a letter, telling her how our marriage REALLY was and that I am the one he loved…not her. Whatever impression she has of our marriage is horribly wrong. Not that she would care, but for some reason I do. I desperately want his mistress to know he loved me. Even better would be for him to tell her personally, while I listened in.

Do you have the same feelings?

The Broken Pedestal

October 16, 2014February 7, 2020 ohbetrayed1

The Broken Pedestal

Throughout our marriage, my husband had always placed me on the proverbial pedestal. He loved and worshipped me, and made it very well known to everyone. Heck, even without saying a word, it was apparent that he absolutely adored me, just by the way he would look at me. My mother often marveled at the sparkle in his eye when I entered the room.

He encouraged me to follow my dreams, no matter how big or small they were. He let me do anything I wanted, as long as it made me happy. His happiness was seeing the smile on my face, and he was always my biggest fan. In fact, we were always each other’s biggest fan, and we both offered encouragement and support in everything we did. We stood by each other, with the utmost dedication. He was MY hero, and I admired him so much. The song, “Wind Beneath my Wings” was one that always made me think of him whenever I heard it. I was safe in his arms, and I felt how much he loved me. His gentle kiss melted this girl’s heart, every time. I loved his morals, ethics, honesty, and his big, sensitive heart.

The woman on the pedestal stood so tall and proud. A man loving a woman so much, it was displayed proudly for all to see.

What changed?

All of the things I believed he loved about me, were just that – MY beliefs. The qualities I loved about him, I don’t know if they were ever real or not.

The pedestal is now broken into a million little pieces, with me lost somewhere in the heaps of debris.

Here is the visualization in my mind while he was having his affair:

While I stood so proudly atop the pedestal, he was callously pointing his finger at me and laughing, as I was blissfully unaware of the great fall that I was about to take. Naturally my head was held high, and my heart swelled because I knew I was loved. Why would I think any differently? I was ADORED.

I was the woman who stood on the pedestal and then was intentionally and violently pushed and punched, in an effort to break the pedestal. My husband threw me to the ground so carelessly, while reveling in the knowledge that I only “thought” I was his everything.

Every time he called or texted the other woman he was, in essence, spitting in my face while saying, “Take that! You are not worthy of me, you piece of shit”.

All of the times he slept with the other woman, he was abusing my lifeless body. He stomped his foot into my chest, grinding his heel in deeply, while sputtering ruthless words through gritted teeth. “You aren’t loved enough, and you certainly don’t matter enough. You are not deserving of respect, honor or dignity. You are foolish, naive, and WAY too trusting. It doesn’t bother me in the least to deceive you and lie to you, because I just don’t care. I am fucking another woman while you are laying there whimpering, you weak bitch”.

I am crumpled on the ground, curled up in the fetal position. My tear stained face is bruised and bloody.

The broken pedestal will never be whole again, and neither will I, the woman who used to smile so brightly upon it. I am a shell, a broken soul. I have lost every last ounce of safety and comfort I have ever known. I will never trust again, and my gift of seeing only the good in people is forever tarnished. Not only do I doubt others, but I doubt myself. How can I trust my own intuition after being told I was ridiculous for thinking such things. The world and people around me are now the unknown. Our previously untainted marriage now feels dirty and cheap.

There is no longer sun in the sky, only angry clouds of grey. My tears fall like raindrops amidst a fierce winter storm. The man I have loved for so long, is not who I thought he was. I wear self-doubt like an all-weather jacket, but I only feel cold.

Like a wolf snarling at his prey, he has placed fear inside me. The man who used to protect me, and hold me in his arms, has shown me that I am easily dispensable and replaceable. My husband. My once loving husband did this to me.

My heart is the broken pedestal.

The Other Woman (or Man) – what is yours like?

October 14, 2014October 15, 2014 ohbetrayed1

The Other Woman

Maybe “yours” isn’t the right term, but the woman or man that your husband (or wife) had their affair with. I wonder if their personalities are similar, or if only a few are slightly psycho.

The other woman in my case is a nut…straight up. A bulk size can of mixed nuts. Unfortunately, I know who she is on Twitter, and she knows who I am. She knows I look at her page (mostly to watch my back), and she stalks my page to taunt me, and try to get me to believe they are still seeing each other. I’m pretty sure if they were that she would keep her mouth shut. D-day happened months ago, yet she will not let go and move on with her life (and HER husband). She is married for God’s sake…why not work on her own marriage? Yes, she is MARRIED! Personally I think she’s got some big balls to tweet the things she does. I have been “nice” and haven’t told her husband. Actually I’m being nice to him, as I don’t want another innocent person to face the immense hurt and humiliation that I have experienced.

So back to the other woman/man (let’s just say “other person” going forward).

other woman,affair,ugly,look like — NOTE: This is not the “real” other woman!

What does the other person look like? Are they thinner than you? Taller than you? Prettier or more handsome? Do they have a great personality?

I’m sure you have asked these same questions, but I don’t think everyone has had the “pleasure” of seeing the other person. I have seen plenty of pictures and let me tell you, EWWWW. Just EW. When I first saw her ugly mug, I was horrified at how unattractive she is. I’m not just saying this because she slept with my husband, but she is seriously gross. Her teeth are crooked, her hair is reddish and “crispy”, she is rather large and she usually has a stupid, smug look on her face.

Naturally, this begged the question, “Why?”. Why on earth would he prefer her over me? Not tooting my own horn here, but I am pretty, I am petite, and I have kept myself up well. I still turn a head or ten when I am out and about. He has told me there is no comparison (no shit). Was he really that desperate? How could he look at her with a straight face without busting out laughing? And I cannot even fathom how he could sleep with her. EW again. He is pretty patriotic, so maybe he stuck a flag in her mouth and did it for his country. Who knows. Honey, what the f$#k were you thinking?? It is definitely an insult to me, but whatever. Not that I can understand an affair under any circumstance, but if she was HOT, it would make at least a little bit of sense. Of course, that would probably be even worse. Luckily, I know that I am a gazillion times more attractive than her.

What about their personality? Is (s)he funny? We have already determined that in my case, she is funny looking, but I digress. I think she *thinks* she is funny, by what she posts on Twitter. I think she just sounds stupid when she talks like a high school gansta’. She is 48, a supposedly grown woman. I also think she is a narcissist. She NEEDS and CRAVES attention. She actually has a couple of Twitter profiles (she doesn’t know I know this), and on her secondary profile she touts “goodness”. No bullying, no hating…just peace, love and happiness. How ironic, since I have seen her bully and taunt countless people on her primary Twitter account. Oh, but people think she is the epitome of wholesome, and they praise her constantly. GAG. I’m on to you bitch.

She is conniving, manipulative and evil. She obviously doesn’t care about others and she has no conscience. If she did, she wouldn’t have slept with my husband and she wouldn’t have done this to her own husband. She is a “me, me, me” kind of gal for sure. I learn a little more about her every day, as I observe what she posts on Twitter. It’s not pretty at all. My husband is no longer on Twitter, but she tweets to he and I, knowing damn well that I am the target of her hatred. OH! And she uses a special hashtag, to make sure I know they are for me (since she doesn’t use the “@”).

What are their interests & hobbies? Well, thanks to Twitter, I also know this! She is a big sports fan, seems to wear only branded t-shirts (usually black and drab), and apparently she has no other interests (except sleeping with men that are married). To me, she seems “manly” and “harsh”. She is definitely a rough stretch of highway…one that has been ridden on way too many times.

What does she like to eat? (besides, ya know). Well, she likes the whole damn buffet apparently! I really don’t care what she likes, to tell the truth. I just felt like throwing another dig in there.

Was she good in bed? I don’t think I’ll ever get an honest answer on this one (probably just as well). I am led to believe that she just kind of laid there (rightttt). I do know that she has a bum knee, which limited positions a bit. I, however, am quite bendy, and have shown my husband this many, many times since D-day. We’ve been doing it like rabbits, actually, and it has been HOT, HOT, HOT! So yeah, I know I am also better than her in this department. I think the only reason he “slept” with her is because he was desperate and she was willing.

So tell me about the “other person” in your spouse’s affair – I am dying to know!

The Importance of Answering Questions After an Affair

October 1, 2014October 15, 2014 ohbetrayed1

My head feels like a jar full of sand, with each grain representing a question. If you are the WS, you will be answering many questions after your affair. There are millions of questions that need answering after an affair, but unfortunately, us Betrayed Spouses will only get answers to half of them (truthful answers at least).

Ever since D-day, this has been my life. I had questions immediately, and I have questions almost 3 months later. There are questions I have already asked my WS, that I believe. But then there are questions I have asked him that I kind of believe. Then there are those that I’ve asked that I just cannot believe.

But that’s not all! There are soooo many questions I haven’t even asked yet! I am trying to remind myself that not every question that pops into my head needs to be answered. Some are very minor details that really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. But other questions I need to know.

My WS has said many times, “You’ve already asked that”. While this may be true, I don’t think he understands that after being gaslighted for so long, that I feel the need to ask questions in different ways, and be very, very specific, if you will. Well, we can throw in all the lies that have been told too, just for good measure.

The biggest question that needs answering of course is, “WHY?”. I don’t think either of us will never really know the answer to that. But I do feel that it is important to find out, to ensure that this never, ever happens again. It would kill me (probably literally) if I had to feel this pain again.

The first questions that I had were:

Where?
When?
Why?
How often?
Did you think about me?
Did you wear your wedding ring during sex?
Weren’t you afraid of losing me?
Wasn’t the fear of getting caught enough to make you stop the affair?
Do you/did you love her?
What did you talk about?
Did you talk about me or badmouth me?
What does she know about us? Our kids?
What does/did she have that I don’t?
Is she married? Does her husband know?
How can you even face me, or how could you during all this time?
When we had sex during that time, were you thinking of her?
Did you two do anything in bed that we have never done?
Was it hot?
Did you spend the night with her?
Did you cuddle like we do?
Did you two have a “song” that was special?
Did you go out for meals together?
Did you text back and forth on the weekends, while I was in the same room? Did she call on weekends?

Other questions that still linger, or I am not satisfied with the answers I’ve received are:

How could you not have done that without even thinking of me, especially during sex?
You called me from the hotel room (during your business trip) in the evening, saying you were just staying in. Then you went and met her. Everything seemed normal to me during our call. How could you do that??
Who initiated sex the first time?
Did it really end when you said it did?
Are you only telling me what you think I can handle?
Did you consider her your “girlfriend”?
How did you really feel about her?
How do you feel about her now?
Did you buy her sexy lingerie?
Did you take a shower together?
Have you cheated any other times?
How was her name displayed in your contacts so I wouldn’t find out?
Why won’t you let me discuss this with a friend or family member, so I have the support I need?

This list of questions could go on and on forever. Some of them I ask (or want to ask), to determine his feelings for her. Some I need to know because it lets me know exactly how intimate they were, and some I just feel I need to know.

I desperately want to piece all of this together, but I am beginning to realize that I will never know the whole story. I just won’t. I have to make peace with this, and it hurts like a son-of-a-bitch.

What are your burning questions for your WS? Do you have that feeling that he/she is sugar-coating some important details? Do you think your WS has been helpful in answering questions after their affair?

Trust after affair-will you catch me if I fall?

September 5, 2014October 15, 2014 ohbetrayed1

Trusting after an affair is no easy task…

My husband was always my rock. We were solid, and I knew that he would protect me no matter what. His love and dedication were FIERCE, and he held my heart close to his. Nobody would ever hurt me, as long as we both were alive.

He was my safety net, always there to catch me if I fell. You know the “Trust” game where someone stands behind you and you fall backwards, knowing that they will catch you? I really never trusted too many people with this game, but you could bet your ass I trusted my husband to keep me from falling to the ground. I guess you could say he completely had my back.

Since the affair, this game makes sense to me in a whole different way. Not the way I want it to make sense, mind you.

So there I am standing, and he is behind me. He says, “Don’t worry, Sweetheart, I won’t let you fall”. I believe him, as I always have. I begin my descent.

Unbeknownst to me, he starts talking to an old girlfriend, just as “friends”. He is still keeping an eye on me, but his attention isn’t on me solely. They start flirting, and he really isn’t paying much attention to me. I fall a little further, and I hear him say, “trust me, you’ll be okay”. Phew!

What I didn’t know was that they were sexting and he barely has an eye on me. I ask him to reassure me – that he is still there behind me. I hear him mumble something. At least I know he is still there, but I am VERY scared. I am falling fast.

They finally move into the sexual part of the affair, and his attention is not on me…at all. It is eerily quiet, but I tell myself that he would never let me get hurt, so I continue to trust him, and that he will catch me soon.

The silence is deafening when I say, “Honey, can I still trust you to catch me?”. I suddenly get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. He is not there. His interest in her was overpowering his commitment to catch me, and he has stepped aside.

His eyes and mind are on something else completely. He forgot about me, and his promise to keep me from harm. Someone else needed his attention, and me falling backwards suddenly didn’t matter anymore.

The pain. Oh the terrible pain. My head hit the pavement, and my mind is racing. What happened? How could he have just left me there to fall? He simply walked away and let me suffer? The heartbreak is unbearable, and disbelief fills my mind. How can I trust that he will never do this to me again?

This is what it feels like when your partner has been unfaithful. They promise you time and time again, that nothing is going on, even when you ask for reassurance. When your body goes “splat” on the ground, because you trusted him/her, it is the most horrendous pain ever. It is a pain that sears through your entire body, and of course your heart, because you trusted so completely.

And they wonder why betrayed spouses have a hard time trusting again. Because they let us fall and it hurt like hell!

I don’t want that kind of pain ever again.

The Affair Discovery {Part 2}

September 5, 2014February 7, 2020 ohbetrayed1

The Affair Discovery {Part 2}

The next couple of weeks were full of all types of different emotions. I compare it to a buffet, but with someone else choosing what I will be given. Here, let’s dish a little betrayal on your plate, some disbelief, some anger, of course, and a big heaping spoonful of SHOCK, just for good measure. That big platter of desserts you have helped yourself to? No, we are putting those back. Let’s get rid of the good things you like: self-esteem, pride, trust, confidence and certainty. So there you have it – a heaping plate of everything unpleasant.

My husband answered the questions I asked (although I knew that it wasn’t everything). Part of telling the whole truth means not leaving out pertinent information that wasn’t specifically asked. I’m sure he understood this, but I felt that I was still somewhat in the dark.

He did everything he was supposed to do, including giving me the passcode to his phone, the password to his email address, checked on me throughout the day (during the work week), and apologized profusely over and over again. He will not allow me to accept blame in this, and has completely owned that it was his fault, and his fault alone.

What we have done (and still do) together that helped immensely, is talk. And talk. And talk. Communication has been key, and we both came to the realization that we had stopped communicating over the past few years. Through this new communication, we are discovering where we went off track, and how we can make sure it will never happen again.

Our emotions ran high, and they still do, even after 2 1/2 months. We are loving towards each other. Affection and “I Love Yous” are at an all-time high.

But along with all of the positive things, there were (and still are) many, many dark days for me (and I’m sure for him too). I am desperately trying to piece together the timeline of the affair, but things just don’t add up. I had/have to know the events of the timeline for any of this to make sense. I am hyper-vigilant, and very wary of just about everything. I hate that feeling.

Affair discovery is the most traumatic thing imaginable. If you haven’t been through it (and I hope you never do, although if you are here, I’m assuming you have experienced it), you cannot begin to understand how devastating it is.

We had a second D-Day too about a month later, where he opened up and told me everything. I will be posting about that soon.

Make sure you read D-Day {Discovery Day} Part 1 too.

The discovery of my husband’s affair

September 4, 2014August 3, 2020 ohbetrayed1

You never think it will happen to you. You never believe that you will be the victim of infidelity… until you are. And when it happens, the earth drops from underneath your feet. There is really no other way to describe the feeling the initial feeling at least.

it rocks your world to the core, for a long, long time. They say the only thing that comes close to being this painful is the death of a child. I never thought I would utter these words, yet here I am preparing to tell you about the discovery of my husband’s affair.

I remember D-Day, Discovery Day, the day I found out about my husband’s affair, vividly. My D-Day was 2 1/2 months ago.

I had my suspicions for a few months prior to confronting him, and I had even approached him about this several times. Of course there was denial. A whole lot of denial. And a whole lot of gaslighting (I’ll explain this lovely term in another post).

We have been married for 18 years and together for 24. We have always had a loving and caring relationship, and I often remarked how he loved me like a parent does, with my best interest at heart always. He has always been so good to me, respectful, and I believed he adored me (even my mom used to say how he looks at me with such love in his eyes). We never fought, instead we compromised. It was a true, deep love that only the luckiest of spouses experience. He was my very best friend.

Over the past couple of years, however, he became kind of distant. I asked him often to please hug me more often, touch me, and show his love for me. He always agreed, but nothing really changed. He was still very thoughtful in most every other way, and that part seemed “normal”.

I remember about a year ago or so, I got to thinking about a few things that raised my suspicions. He had bought new underwear. He has always been a boxer guy, but suddenly he bought and wore more form-fitting briefs. This really struck me as odd, because he was pretty set in his ways. He also started wearing body spray. He seemed secretive with his phone, always turning it with the screen facing down and he kept it on silent. There were no message banners or names displayed when he received a text message. There were a few other things too, but the biggest clue was that he was just “different”. I called him at work and straight up asked him who she was. He sounded panicked but assured me that there was nobody. I even recall saying, “You KNOW who I’m talking about”. Nothing.

About 4 months ago, I was just having a really bad feeling again, and asked if I could use his phone, as my battery was almost dead. I told him I wanted to text our daughter. He has a passcode lock, but I didn’t know what it was. He unlocked it and handed me his phone. I texted our daughter and he seemed really nervous while waiting for her reply. Finally he grabbed the phone from me and said sternly, “let’s just call, this is ridiculous”. So he called her and I kind of wandered around with his phone, asking her to hold on, while I multitasked and looked for any clues. He was too close for comfort and I didn’t get to look as long as I wanted. Later that evening, I asked him to come outside with me and to bring his phone. He looked really annoyed. I asked if I could see what apps he has and he got extremely mad and said, “Just cut to the chase, what’s going on?”.

I don’t believe I have ever seen my husband that angry before, and quite frankly, it scared me. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he got very indignant and insisted that no, he was not. Then he went on yelling at me that I always accuse him of this, and when will it stop. We had the biggest fight of our lives, and he actually was trying to put on his jeans, saying he needed to leave for awhile. I wouldn’t let him go. We made up, with me actually apologizing for suggesting that he might be having an affair. The rest of the night was actually romantic.
But I knew. I just knew.

Fast forward…I actually kind of stumbled upon the proof I needed, two months later, the night before Father’s Day. I was looking on his iPad, for nothing in particular (but hoping something – anything – would come up), when something did show up that showed me all I needed to know. I had been looking through the settings and it was just kind of a fluke how I found the information. I won’t say on here exactly how, but if you’d like to know, you can fill out this form. The reason I don’t want to tell the world right here is that it makes it too easy for cheaters to cover their asses.

But back to that miserable morning. I didn’t want to ruin Father’s Day for everyone, so our morning went along happily. Later, while I was sitting in the backyard alone, he asked me what was wrong. He was sincere, and he had no idea what was coming. I did, and my heart sunk, as I knew our marriage would never be the same, and lives would be forever changed.

He sat down next to me at the table under the gazebo, and without wasting any time, I asked him to tell me about “her” (using her name). The color left his face as he started rambling about how she does some charity work and enlists the help of his place of employment (where her communication is with him solely). He looked very strange (for lack of a better word), while he was telling his story. He knew the gig was up. I finally blurted out, “Are you sleeping with her?”. He answered, “no”. You could cut the tension with a knife. My heart was racing. I had to ask in another way. “Have you slept with her in the past two years?” I asked shakily, “yes”…he said yes. HE.SAID.YES.
MY husband of 18 years, the father of my child, the man that my parents trusted to take care of me after they passed…that man cheated on me. He had sex with another woman. Something so sacred…something that is shared only between a husband and wife, something so intimate – he shared all of that with someone else. Our marriage died in that very instant.

I cannot adequately describe the initial feelings. Shock, of course. Anger. Disbelief. I felt like the ground was crumbling beneath me and I could barely stand upright. Since our teenage daughter was inside, he said we should take a drive. We drove to a little park that is about 3 minutes away, but the drive seemed to take an hour. My mind was racing (as I’m sure his was), and the questions were building up in my mind. We parked and he started to open his door. Bad idea! I knew this conversation would be extremely emotionally charged, and it was probably best to keep the doors closed and windows rolled up, as I fired off the questions faster than he could answer them.

I don’t remember how long we were there, and I don’t even remember most of our conversation. I was completely numb. I know the questions I asked included how long it had been going on and how many times he was with her and where. I was having a complete emotional breakdown, and he just looked incredibly stunned. I knew from that moment that my life would never be the same…

Read Affair Discovery Part 2, to learn how we survived the next few weeks.