Trust after affair-will you catch me if I fall?

Trusting after an affair is no easy task…

My husband was always my rock. We were solid, and I knew that he would protect me no matter what. His love and dedication were FIERCE, and he held my heart close to his. Nobody would ever hurt me, as long as we both were alive.

He was my safety net, always there to catch me if I fell. You know the “Trust” game where someone stands behind you and you fall backwards, knowing that they will catch you? I really never trusted too many people with this game, but you could bet your ass I trusted my husband to keep me from falling to the ground. I guess you could say he completely had my back.

trust,affair,promises,hurt,falling

Since the affair, this game makes sense to me in a whole different way. Not the way I want it to make sense, mind you.

So there I am standing, and he is behind me. He says, “Don’t worry, Sweetheart, I won’t let you fall”. I believe him, as I always have. I begin my descent.

Unbeknownst to me, he starts talking to an old girlfriend, just as “friends”. He is still keeping an eye on me, but his attention isn’t on me solely. They start flirting, and he really isn’t paying much attention to me. I fall a little further, and I hear him say, “trust me, you’ll be okay”. Phew!

What I didn’t know was that they were sexting and he barely has an eye on me. I ask him to reassure me – that he is still there behind me. I hear him mumble something. At least I know he is still there, but I am VERY scared. I am falling fast.

They finally move into the sexual part of the affair, and his attention is not on me…at all. It is eerily quiet, but I tell myself that he would never let me get hurt, so I continue to trust him, and that he will catch me soon.

The silence is deafening when I say, “Honey, can I still trust you to catch me?”. I suddenly get a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. He is not there. His interest in her was overpowering his commitment to catch me, and he has stepped aside.

His eyes and mind are on something else completely. He forgot about me, and his promise to keep me from harm. Someone else needed his attention, and me falling backwards suddenly didn’t matter anymore.

The pain. Oh the terrible pain. My head hit the pavement, and my mind is racing. What happened? How could he have just left me there to fall? He simply walked away and let me suffer? The heartbreak is unbearable, and disbelief fills my mind. How can I trust that he will never do this to me again?

This is what it feels like when your partner has been unfaithful. They promise you time and time again, that nothing is going on, even when you ask for reassurance. When your body goes “splat” on the ground, because you trusted him/her, it is the most horrendous pain ever. It is a pain that sears through your entire body, and of course your heart, because you trusted so completely.

And they wonder why betrayed spouses have a hard time trusting again. Because they let us fall and it hurt like hell!

I don’t want that kind of pain ever again.

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The Affair Discovery {Part 2}

The Affair Discovery {Part 2}

The next couple of weeks were full of all types of different emotions. I compare it to a buffet, but with someone else choosing what I will be given. Here, let’s dish a little betrayal on your plate, some disbelief, some anger, of course, and a big heaping spoonful of SHOCK, just for good measure. That big platter of desserts you have helped yourself to? No, we are putting those back. Let’s get rid of the good things you like: self-esteem, pride, trust, confidence and certainty. So there you have it – a heaping plate of everything unpleasant.

My husband answered the questions I asked (although I knew that it wasn’t everything). Part of telling the whole truth means not leaving out pertinent information that wasn’t specifically asked. I’m sure he understood this, but I felt that I will still somewhat in the dark.

He did everything he was supposed to do, including giving me the passcode to his phone, the password to his email address, checked on me throughout the day (during the work week), and apologized profusely over and over again. He will not allow me to accept blame in this, and has completely owned that it was his fault, and his fault alone.

What we have done (and still do) together that helped immensely, is talk. And talk. And talk. Communication has been key, and we both came to the realization that we had stopped communicating over the past few years. Through this new communication, we are discovering where we went off track, and how we can make sure it will never happen again.

Our emotions ran high, and they still do, even after 2 1/2 months. We are loving towards each other. Affection and “I Love Yous” are at an all-time high.

But along with all of the positive things, there were (and still are) many, many dark days for me (and I’m sure for him too). I desperately tried to piece together the timeline of the affair, but things just didn’t add up. I had/have to know the events of the timeline for any of this to make sense. I was hyper-vigilant, and very wary of just about everything. I hate that feeling.

Affair discovery is the most traumatic thing imaginable. If you haven’t been through it (and I hope you never do, although if you are here, I’m assuming you have experienced it), you cannot begin to understand how devastating it is.

We had a second D-Day too about a month later, where he opened up and told me everything. I will be posting about that soon.

Make sure you read D-Day {Discovery Day} Part 1 too.

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D-Day {Discovery Day} of my husband’s affair

Affair Discovery

You never think it will happen to you. You never believe that you will be the victim of infidelity until it happens. When it happens, it rocks your world to the core, for a long, long time.

I remember D-Day (Discovery Day – the day I found out about my husband’s affair) vividly. My D-Day was 2 1/2 months ago.

I had my suspicions for a few months prior to confronting him, and I had even approached him about this several times. Of course there was denial. A whole lot of denial.  And a whole lot of gas lighting (I’ll explain this lovely term in another post).

We have been married for 18 years and together for 24. We have always had a loving and caring relationship, and I often remarked how he loved me like a parent does, with my best interest at heart always. He has always been so good to me, respectful, and I believed he adored me (even my mom used to say how he looks at me with such love in his eyes). We never fought, instead we compromised. It was a true, deep love that only the luckiest of spouses experience. He was my very best friend.

Over the past couple of years, however, he became kind of distant. I asked him often to please hug me more often, touch me, and show his love for me. He always agreed, but nothing really changed. He was still very thoughtful in every other way, and that part seemed “normal”.

I remember about a year ago or so, I got to thinking about a few things that raised my suspicions. He had bought new underwear. He has always been a boxer guy, but suddenly he bought and wore more form-fitting briefs. This really struck me as odd, because he was pretty set in his ways. He also started wearing body spray. He seemed secretive with his phone, always turning it with the screen facing down. There were a few other things too, but the biggest clue was that he was just “different”. I called him at work and straight up asked him who she was. He sounded panicked but assured me that there was nobody. I even recall saying, “You KNOW who I’m talking about”. Nothing.

About 4 months ago, I was just having a really bad feeling again, and asked if I could use his phone, as my battery was almost dead. I told him I wanted to text our daughter. He has a passcode lock, but I didn’t know what it was. He unlocked it and handed me his phone. I texted our daughter and he seemed really nervous while waiting for her reply. Finally he grabbed the phone from me and said sternly, “let’s just call, this is ridiculous”. So he called her and I kind of wandered around with his phone, asking her to hold on, while I multitasked and looked for any clues. He was too close for comfort and I didn’t get to look as long as I wanted. Later that evening, I asked him to come outside with me and to bring his phone. He looked really annoyed. I asked if I could see what apps he has and he got extremely mad and said, “Just cut to the chase, what’s going on?”.

I don’t believe I have ever seen my husband that angry before, and quite frankly, it scared me. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he got very indignant and insisted that no, he was not. Then he went on yelling at me that I always accuse him of this, and when will it stop. We had the biggest fight of our lives, and he actually was trying to put on his jeans, saying he needed to leave for awhile. I wouldn’t let him go. We made up, with me actually apologizing for suggesting that he might be having an affair. The rest of the night was actually romantic.
But I knew. I just knew.

lying,liar,deceit,affair

I actually kind of stumbled upon the proof I needed, two months later, the night before Father’s Day.

I didn’t want to ruin Father’s Day for everyone, so our morning went along happily. Later, while sitting in the backyard alone, he asked me what was wrong. My heart sunk, as I knew my life would be forever changed.

I asked him to tell me about “her” (using her name). He started rambling about how she does some charity work and enlists the place of his employment (her communication is with him solely). He looked very strange (for lack of a better word), while he was telling his story. I finally blurted out, “Are you sleeping with her?”. He answered, “no”. I asked if he had slept with her in the past two years, and he said “yes”.

I cannot adequately describe the initial feelings. Shock, of course. Anger. Disbelief. I felt like the ground was crumbling beneath me and I could barely stand upright. Since our teenage daughter was inside, he said we should take a drive. We drove to a little park that is about 3 minutes away, but the drive seemed to take an hour. My mind was racing (as I’m sure his was), and the questions were building up in my mind. We parked and he started to open his door. Bad idea! I knew this conversation would be extremely emotionally charged, and it was probably best to keep the doors closed and windows rolled up, as I fired off the questions faster than he could answer them.

I don’t remember how long we were there, and I don’t even remember most of our conversation. I was completely numb. I know the questions I asked included how long it had been going on and how many times he was with her and where. I was having a complete emotional breakdown, and he just looked incredibly stunned. I knew from that moment that my life would never be the same…

Read Affair Discovery Part 2, to learn how we survived the next few weeks.

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